When most people come to a standstill
maybe it's a feeling of confused trapped life?
things, choices, decisions. actions tend to be different,
our way of thinking warped?
Evert person,
Every life,
is individual, unique, distinct.
Nothing is the same for two
but their can be similarities - relate.
For me,
I’m confused.
Not on one aspect, but many.
I’m confused at why I’m level headed? Able to think from an outside perspective.
An outside looking in.
I couldn’t do that before. why now? what's changed?
age? level? maturity?
wisdom? experience? something else?
Others in a similar situation can’t, they are consumed.
Why aren’t I? Why can I still think logical. albeit I dont apply I know - I see - I understand
WHY? HOW?
If I lost my head and lost the sibilant remainder of me
my self control, my thinking, logic, conscience- my thoughts
would it not be more understandable?
easier for me an others to finally accept?
Or is added punishment - on top of the self punishment I deal myself,
punishment to be fully aware, suffer more, more cruel - to make it more intense, the feeling of guilt more acute.
Why am I so conflicted?
Why is that fight still in there. I am so tired. I wish to sleep
a BREAK, a REST
please, it's been so long.
In pain physically and mentally.
is the need to punish able to overcome that?
The work, the lack of nourishment, the tiredness, the distaste,
the loathing of self image,
the social reclusiveness.
Never full. Never satisfied?
Always empty, running on air.
Is that more the problem? or more it's the problem of myself and my feeling on inadequacy.
my self loathing, my distaste.
I don’t know how or why I’m still going. though I am.
I don’t know what gets me up in the morning after I shut my eyes for the night before.
what let’s me finally rest at night but pushes my on, prides me awake after the dawn.
I want help
I need it
but I don’t want it too.
so much confliction
so much pain
it goes on and on and on
I don’t want to burden
I don’t want to be forgot
or do I?
